My mother had a kidney transplant at the beginning of July.  Initially successful, complications set in, and by August 2 we lost her.

The last month or so has been very stressful for my family.  Of course, people console themselves with food, so there has been a larger than normal amount of junk food around.  However, I’ve been finding that I just can’t eat much of it.  So in the last week or two my weight has actually been drifting downward, losing almost ten pounds.  I was actually quite surprised by this; I am normally a stress eater.  There have been times in the past where I’ve lost my appetite during profound depression or sadness, but this is different.  It’s not a matter of not wanting to eat; I just cannot consume much at once without feeling sick.  I don’t quite know what to make of it.

 It’s not just what’s going in that’s changing, it’s also, um, the other end of the food chain that’s changing too, being liquid most of the time now.  So I’m out of balance somewhere.

 I am going to the doctor next Friday and I plan to bring these issues up to him, along with discussing the possibility of weight loss surgery.

Well last week I happened to be talking about the subject to a coworker when he mentioned the Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers.  While grocery shopping over the weekend, I noticed they were on sale so I bought a couple.  I just had one, Chicken Marinara,  for lunch.

WOW.

The problem with most frozen meals is the horrid texture.  I literally have to choke down the chicken in most frozen meals, and beef is inedible.  A frozen meal, even a non-diet one, is an ordeal to be suffered through usually.  But these were different.  The pasta was tender, the sauce was tangy, and the chicken was delicious.  It still had the slight blandness of a diet meal, but definately very edible.

I could easily see me having these two or three days a week for lunches.  I hope this helps, because I’m back up to 378. I’ve gained back all but eight pounds of the weight I’ve lost in the last 9 months after being down to 353 at one point.

 My weight has been slowly drifting downward, although I haven’t changed my diet or exercise.  What I am doing different is making sure I eat breakfast every morning.  I don’t know if that really accounts for the difference or not.

 One thing I have been alarmed about lately is a new tendency to binge eat.  I’ve always been an emotional eater, but I’ve never had the “out of control” feeling like I have a few times lately.  I’ve been so busy at work that I don’t have time for lunch, and I sometimes even miss the family dinner.  So I’ll reach in the pantry and grab a bite of something.  Then maybe I’ll have a banana.  Still not satisfied, here’s some Jell-O. Before I realize it I’ve eaten some of everything that’s not nailed down, feeling bloated and uncomfortable.  It’s not like me.  I’ve started keeping snaks in my drawer at work to counter it, but that works against me as well  because I’ll snack periodically throughout the day and lose track of how much I am eating.

 Not a particularly meaningful post, I know, and I already see all the replies: “Keep a log of what you are eating”, “Drink more water”, etc.  I guess I’m just trying to get a handle on the state of things as I prepare to dive back in and make an effort at this again.

I started a new job in early February, and I have been run ragged, working late hours, eating later than normal, eating more fast food and junk to get through the day, and flew back up the weight ladder, gaining back 15 pounds of what I had lost as I went back up to 378.  What was really embarrassing is that my new job provides uniforms, and I was on the edge of having to ask for a larger set.

Fortunately, I seem to be getting slightly back under control; I’ve been keeping more snacks in my desk and nibbling throughout the day, and at lunch going a little farther down the road to get a turkey sub at Subway rather than go to the closer burger places and Zaxby’s or the really tempting all-you-can eat pizza buffet.  I have been bringing lunches as well, but I seem to be getting a lot of sodium that way.

Without my job I also had no medical insurance and thus no medical care, but last Friday I felt so awful I had to go to the doctor anyway.  Turns out my blood sugar was over 300.  I’m an official full-fledged diabetic now.  He put me on some medications that have been steadily dropping my sugar; it’s around 150 now.  This is of course going to force me to keep even closer to my diet, so hopefully that will translate into some additional weight loss.

I’m hoping to pass my mini-goal this weekend, so I can reset it to the next stop on my journey: 330.  I know from previous diet attempts that I stall hard around 335 or so, so once I hit 330 I should be over that hump.  After that, not sure what the next mini-goal should be.  300 or 299 sound good, but there’s also 290.  291 is the lowest weight I’ve acheived in any weight loss attempt, which was 9 years ago in my first brush with low-carbing.  If I hit 290 I’ll be at a weight I haven’t seen in almost 20 years.

So when I reach my mini-goal, hopefully by mid-November, I’ll have finally made up the ground I’ve lost over the last 14 months by giving in to stress and giving up on myself.

So my regular doc will probably put me on yet another round of drugs… like I’m not a walking pharmacy already.

Of course, I had gone hungry and thirsty all day because of the surgery… now that I could still chew, I went nuts and ate a massive lunch.  I felt like crud the rest of the day and I’ll bet the three pounds I lost this week come back tomorrow with friends.  *sigh*

So for a few days I’ll have to be on soft foods or liquids only: mashed potatoes, applesauce, ice cream, pasta… in other words, everything I shouldn’t be eating.  I’m going to get myself some protein shakes and such, but I need ideas for other things I can eat that are soft… presuming I even want to eat at all.

Stress at work is going through the ceiling, making it harder to stay on track.  I don’t want to watch my calorie intake after a hard day!  As a result, the 369 I hit briefly is gone and I’m back to 374.  Nothing to do but try harder, I suppose.

I lost a lot of weight quicly over the past few weeks, but this last week I’ve slid backwards, regaining four pounds. Oddly enough, even as I regained those pounds my pants are suddenly very loose and I need to pull the belt in another notch.  My body adjusting to the sudden loss, perhaps?

My hopes to restart exercise haven’t panned out.  The weekend before last, my kitten Doodle (ok, he’s a cat now but I still think of him as a kitten) disappeared for most of a day.  A neighbor contacted me to tell me that Doodle was at her house, laying in a flowerpot panting hard in the broiling Southern heat.  Without thinking, I grabbed the cat carrier and ran outside… without my shoes.

Big mistake.

It was about 107 out that day, and the sidewalk was no doubt much hotter.  About halfway to the neighbor’s house I started to realize just how hot the ground was and started walking on grass as much as possible, but even the grass was searing.  I retrieved my poor kitty and started on my way back; the blisters were already forming by that point.   I had severely burned my feet.  So once again exercise was out of the question for that week.  My feet are mostly healed now, so it’s time to start on those walking DVD’s again.  I want my white star back, and I sure don’t want to lose my red one.

I finally tried exercising this week; the first time other than physical therapy since my surgery.  I tried the most basic 1-mile exercise in Leslie Sansome’s Walk Away the Pounds DVD (Thanks again, Melissa).  I got through three-quarters of the mile before my knee gave out, but after a short rest I was able to finish the workout.  I’m supposed to use weights during the work, but the workout is designed for 3 pound balls and my smallest weights are 10 pound dumbbells, so I had to give up on those halfway through too.  But it was exercise and it was progress.